Cheap Eats

By L.E. Leone
 

The Down Low

GET A PHONE call, dude down L.A. wants to put me on TV. Wants to put Cheap Eats on TV. Starring me in different restaurants, like John Lurie in a boat with Willem Dafoe.

"Dude, I don't even know Willem Dafoe," I said. –"No, you eat with who you eat with. Whoever," he said. –"On TV?" –"Yeah."

"Dude Down L.A.," I said, "you don't understand." I was in my pajamas when he called, sitting by the wood stove, thinking about my chickens. "Yes, I'm glamorous and sophisticated," I explained. "Yeah, I can be funny and interesting – on paper. But I'm slow-witted and awkward in person. That's why I'm a writer. That's why I'm a musician."

"I know, I know," he said. "That's all right." He works with musicians. Met me years ago in Chicago, had my old band on his radio program. Now he makes documentary films, one feature, featuring all musicians, which got into Sundance this year, and he has this idea for this TV show. Big fan of my column.

"Have you been paying attention?" I said. "I wear earrings and makeup. I'm all gender-bent and trannyshack and shit. I'm wearing women's pants," I lied. "Maybe I can be on Montel," I said. I've never seen Montel. "Do you know Montel? Or whoever the hell? That's where my kind goes for our 15 minutes of fame."

Oh, he wasn't talking about fame, or mainstream. He was talking artsy cable TV, something quirky and thoughtful, small bucks and a cult following. Like Fishing with John Lurie. Which I never saw either, of course. But he's sending me a DVD. But I don't have a DVD player.

"But I don't know anything about food," I said.

Food wouldn't be the point, he said, just like in Cheap Eats, the column. (This column – in case you forgot where you were.) I'd eat, Dude Down L.A. said, but the point would be life and philosophy.

OK. Now we were getting somewhere. If what you're looking for is life then I'm the man for the job, really, because I am undoubtedly, unadulteratedly alive, and good at it. I consider myself as alive as anyone – more alive than some people, such as Uncle Fred. What's more, philosophy is one of my favorite subjects. I exist, therefore I am. That's my philosophy. I'm still working on the implications, and, to be honest, I can see myself working it out in restaurants, over hamburgers, with Willem Dafoe, cameras rolling.

I know what you're thinking, dear reader. You're thinking, "Dude, you don't even know Willem Dafoe."

Not yet, I say. But the ball is rolling. As soon as I get me my cult following, they'll be lining up to eat with me. Dafoe, John Lurie, Hopper, Cage. Tom Waits. John Madden. Jim Jarmusch himself.

Meanwhile I'll just have to make do with my same old little local nobody friends, I suppose. Hi Wayway! Sure was great meeting you for lunch the other day. Actually, all kidding aside, I loved Thai Noodle, or "Purple Thai" as Wayway calls it, I think because of a streak of purple neon across the ceiling.

We're in Berkeley by the way. It's a UC hangout specializing in cheap, good, and authentic (according to Wayway, who's been to Thailand) Thai food. Lots of duck stuff. Lots of weirdo stuff. Lots of reasons to go back and back and back. Maybe even enroll in school there and be a student again, after all these years.

The duck noodle soup ($5) was great. You get a choice between roasted duck and stewed duck, and also between four different kinds of noodles. I'm not sure why, but I picked egg noodles over rice ones even though that's all I ever eat all day at home is eggs eggs eggs. Anyway, they were good.

And anyway I had rice noodles too. Being a bit of a lord myself (Lord Exister), I had to try the dish called Lord ($5.75), which I'd never seen before. It was rice noodles with seafood all over it, and ground chickens. Besides shrimps and squids and fish cakes and some other fishy things, this dish featured the rare tofu fish. Or bean curd, or something like that.

Be sure to take a close look at the walls before you order. There are a lot of interesting-sounding specials there that aren't on the menu. You know how it is. Duck salad. Red curry duck. Pumpkin curry, I think. Some other things I didn't understand.

They stay open late. Until 1:30 every night. But they don't have no beer, no wine. I don't understand. Is this another Berkeley zoning thing?

Guidance. I'll see you on TV. 
 

THAI NOODLE. 1936 Shattuck (at Berkeley), Berk. (510) 848-6531. Daily, 11:00 a.m.-1:30 a.m. Takeout available. MasterCard, Visa. No alcohol. Wheelchair accessible. 

L.E. Leone is the author of Eat This, San Francisco (Sasquatch Books), a collection of Cheap Eats restaurant reviews, and The Meaning of Lunch (Mammoth Books).
 

February 23, 2005